Happy Birthday to Hell Pt. 2

( Part 2 of the ever wonderful story Happy Birthday To Hell. The visuals by Dan Sweetman are stunning, are they not? The text by Dave Louapre equally as brilliant. Now you're beginning to see the reason why I and a great many others got into the series "Beautiful Stories for Ugly Children" by them. Truly a talented duo. Enjoy)


The real reason I was kicked out, or "dismissed," as they put it, was because I proposed forming a Heavenly Coalescence, which would disassemble the existing hierarchy and make everyone equal, with the exception of Him, who I suggested be president of the whole thing. I saw no reason why the saints should be any more privileged than the angels, or the seraphim more respected than the cherubs. Hey, I'm not particularly fond of cherubs. They're ugly, bothersome, noisy, and emit a pungent aroma that I won't even go into here. But that's no reason they should be any lower on the scale. I thought we were all created as equals.

Well, I guess He didn't like the idea, because word has it the order to boot me came directly from Him, with no preliminary committee discussion. All I did was pass out a few crummy fliers. Next thing I know, I'm looking for a new place. And I really don't think He considered just how difficult it would be to get rid of me, because at that time, there was no place else. There was just Heaven. Period. So He had to sit down and make up another place. He must have been ticked off about it too, for of all the things he could have come up with in all the time of eternity, He ended up creating a little number He called "Hell," and I was the inaugural tenant.

All things considered, it wasn't so bad at first. I have the impression He just needed to set an example, but that He still felt a certain amount of pity, and even respect towards me. After all, if you think about it, He's theoretically my Dad. Apart from the obvious lack of splendor, Hell wasn't that much different from Heaven. And being the only inhabitant, the tranquility was nothing short of bliss.

The only real "punishing" aspect of the whole ordeal was the way He messed me up physically. Horns, hair all over, a tail, cloven hooves...Cloven Hooves! Where did He get that from? Do you have any idea how difficult it is to walk with cloven hooves? It's like trying to eat while you're crying. What's worse, try finding shoes that fit. You can't. You know why? Because they don't exist! The first thing He created for me when I got here was a shopping mall, with nothing but shoe stores. And guess what! Not a single one of them sold shoes for hooves. I stopped trying after a week. Shoe stores and organ music. I found out quickly He has a vicious sense of humor. He still sends me checks every week for $57.00, and doesn't sign them.

He gave me a telephone directory, and the only name in it was mine, like I'm going to call myself. I don't even have a phone. Once, He sent me a pair of wooden clogs. I can't shake the feeling that He really enjoys messing with my mind.

Still, I could tell He looked after me in a strange sort of way. I had lots of time to kill, just like in Heaven, and one day He made a bowling alley. "Damnation Lanes," He called it. It wasn't in the best condition--the ashtrays were all full, the electric scorers didn't work right, and of course, the shoes didn't fit. But there was never any waiting for a lane, and it came with one of those little machines that sold salted cashews. I absolutely love salted cashews.

I was really getting used to things here, even beginning to like it. Then the riff-raff showed up. The earth had been created by this time, and the first sinners started straggling in. Initially, I was glad to have some company, and I threw a little "get acquainted" mixer to kind of break the ice, as it were. Talk about awkward! Nobody spoke for the first two hours and when they finally did, it was only to complain. "Don't you have any ice?" "Where are all the women?" "Isn't there anything else to eat but that cheese log?" About all they had in common with one another was murder, thievery, adultery, body odor, and the fact that they all arrived wearing leisure suits. He can be very droll at times. But I gave it my best shot.

Since we'd be together for some time, I suggested charades. Unfortunately, movies hadn't been invented yet, and the only book any of them knew of was the Bible, which everyone guessed straight off. None of us remembered any jokes, so I gave the "name game" a whirl, using the title they all knew me by: "Satan, Satan Bo Batan, Banana Fana Fo Fatan, Mee Mi Mo Matan, Satan!" Nothing. They all stared at me, and no one else took a turn. It was embarrassing. When they started throwing the peanuts around and molding the cheese log into questionable shapes, I lost my temper and broke up the party. You give sinners an inch, and they take a mile. I mean, you can't just go to Hell and throw the peanuts.

The next day more of them showed up, and still more the day after. Hell was being overrun by sinners. There was nothing I could do to stop it. And the more that came, the more things got broken. Like the central heating system. They tore it up like animals. Nothing but flames and sweat now, and not one fully qualified repairman in the bunch. The bowling alley is in shambles, too. Not only have they smashed the reset gates, but they've stolen all the shoes. I walk around the place and everyone's wearing bowling shoes. I asked where they got them, and they smirk and say they had them on when they arrived. I know darned well where they got them from, but what can I do, arrest them? I don't mean to harp, but I didn't ask for any of this. The angels might have been a little dull, but at least they had manners.